Mate, mate mate

Read from the beginning!

So there I was, dying of thirst and lost in the desert. Luckily, since I had some kangaroo jerky with me from my previous encounter with my living hallucination, I was well stocked on food. Water, unfortunately, was another story. I trudged along the wasteland, dragging my feet as I wandered aimlessly. I passed a large smooth stone that looked somewhat familiar. Then I realized why.

"Circles? I've been walking in circles?" I looked up at the sun as I tried to figure out my location. I soon gave up, as I realized that only wilderness explorers know how to do that, and I had no idea what I was doing. I collapsed to my knees, and crawled over to the stone, leaning back on it. Stones are just awesome. You can lean back on them for support, but they can also stab you in the back. Or more accurately, they can heat up to a temperature of Hell degrees and burn your back like a cupcake in a pizza oven. Before I could even scream in pain, I was already on my feet. I angrily kicked the stone, rubbing my back. But then that also hurt, so I comically rubbed my back as I rubbed my foot. In this position, I saw two men approach.

I couldn't believe my eyes. In this dead land called the outback, I had actually found a couple of guys. I brushed up on my Australian and smiled as they approached.

"A dingo ate my bay-bay," I said with a smile, as it was the traditional greeting in Australian.
"Throw some shrimp on the bah-bee," one of the men replied with a smile.
"Where are you blokes headed?" I said, mustering as good an accent as I could. Australians can detect a foreigner, and when they do, they usually attack.
"Me and my mate here are headed to Gallipoli, mate," said my new mate.
"But mate, isn't that in Turkey, mate?" I asked.
"It sure is, mate. But that ain't stoppin' us, mate!" He let out a hearty laugh, and his mate joined.
"Haha, mate," I joined.
"Mate."
"Mate mate mate."

This went on for a few hours.

Then he pointed me in the direction of Sydney, which actually happened to be a few feet away. I was actually lost in a small wilderness park! In fact, he said even a small child could find his way out. Awesome.

So I went back to Sydney, and went home. I was gone for so long, that when I came back, the country was a post-apocalyptic ruin. So now I'm typing this from an abandoned home with bootlegged internet service. God Bless America.

THE END.

this is a story all about how

I have to put my true Australia tale on hold for a second, because I have a mind-blowing tale to tell. This just happened the other night. I was out with a few friends, just talking and hanging out, when I realized it was getting pretty late. So I told my friends I had to leave, and I proceeded to go to my car. As I said, it was late, and it didn't help that half the lights in my friend's neighborhood were out, so I fumbled for my keys and tried to open my door. I was starting to freak out, since it was pitch black and I could swear I saw someone coming. After what seemed like an eternity, I found my keys and quickly started my engine. I shifted into gear and pushed the gas. Unfortunately, I shifted into the wrong gear and ended up smashing my rear bumper into a nearby light pole. I freaked out, and quickly ran out to inspect the damage. The pole was fine. But my bumper was another story. It was messed up, and there was no way it was going to just buff off. I didn't know what else to do, so I decided to just go home.
When I got near, I had two choices. I could either keep my car parked in the garage, and stash it until I had some explaining to do, or park it in the driveway, which was the quieter choice. I decided to go with choice A, which was risky, but if it worked, it would at least give me time to think up a story. As the garage door creaked open, I saw the lights in the house blink on. My dad had woken up! I now had to decide whether to continue driving into the garage and hope he comes out the front door, missing my car, or to stay outside and hope he enters the garage and miss the damage to the bumper. I couldn't think, so when he opened the door to garage, my foot acted on its own and pressed down on the gas. I ended up driving into the back of the garage, crashing through some bikes and bringing down a few shelves onto the roof of the car. I was in shock, and I looked at my dad, expecting the beating of a lifetime. The funny thing is, he didn't get mad.

Instead, he did the mash.

(he did the mash) He did the monster mash,
(the monster mash) It was a graveyard smash,
(he did the mash) It caught on in a flash,
(he did the mash) He did the monster mash,

(wa-oo) From my labratory in the castle East,
(wa-oo) To the master bedroom where the vampires feast,
(wa, wa-oo) To ghouls all came from their humble abodes,
(wa-oo) To get a jolt, from my electrobes.

(they did the mash) They did the monster mash,
(the monster mash) It was a graveyard smash,
(they did the mash) It caught on in a flash,
(they did the mash) They did the monster mash,

(wa-ooo) The zombies were having fun,
(anashoop wa-oo) The party had just begun,
(anashoop wa-oo) The guests included wolfman,
(anashoop wa-oo) Dracula and his son

(wa-ooo) The scene was rocking, oh we're digging the sounds,
(wa-oo) Eagor on chains backed by asbaying hounds,
(wa-oo) The coffin bangers were about to arrive,
(wa-oo) With their vocal group, the crypt kicker five

(they played the mash) They played the monster mash,
(the monster mash) It was a graveyard smash,
(they played the mash) It caught on in a flash,
(they played the mash) They played the monster mash

(wa-oo) Out from his coffin Drac's voice did ring,
(wa-oo) seems he was troubled by just one thing,
(wa, wa-oo) Open the lid, and shook his fist and said
(wa-oo) 'Whatever happened to my Transylvanian Twist?'

(its now the mash) Its now the monster mash,
(the monster mash) And its a graveyard smash,
(its now the mash) It's caught on in a flash,
(its now the mash) Its now the monster mash.

(wa-oo) Now everything's cool, Drac's a part of the band,
(wa-oo) And my monster mash is the hit of the land,
(wa, wa-oo) For you the living, this mash was meant too,
(wa-oo) When you get to my door, tell them Borris sent you.

(Then you can mash) Then you can monster mash,
(the monster mash) and do my graveyard smash,
(then you can mash) You'll catch on in a flash,
(then you can mash) Then you can monster mash.