Mate, mate mate

Read from the beginning!

So there I was, dying of thirst and lost in the desert. Luckily, since I had some kangaroo jerky with me from my previous encounter with my living hallucination, I was well stocked on food. Water, unfortunately, was another story. I trudged along the wasteland, dragging my feet as I wandered aimlessly. I passed a large smooth stone that looked somewhat familiar. Then I realized why.

"Circles? I've been walking in circles?" I looked up at the sun as I tried to figure out my location. I soon gave up, as I realized that only wilderness explorers know how to do that, and I had no idea what I was doing. I collapsed to my knees, and crawled over to the stone, leaning back on it. Stones are just awesome. You can lean back on them for support, but they can also stab you in the back. Or more accurately, they can heat up to a temperature of Hell degrees and burn your back like a cupcake in a pizza oven. Before I could even scream in pain, I was already on my feet. I angrily kicked the stone, rubbing my back. But then that also hurt, so I comically rubbed my back as I rubbed my foot. In this position, I saw two men approach.

I couldn't believe my eyes. In this dead land called the outback, I had actually found a couple of guys. I brushed up on my Australian and smiled as they approached.

"A dingo ate my bay-bay," I said with a smile, as it was the traditional greeting in Australian.
"Throw some shrimp on the bah-bee," one of the men replied with a smile.
"Where are you blokes headed?" I said, mustering as good an accent as I could. Australians can detect a foreigner, and when they do, they usually attack.
"Me and my mate here are headed to Gallipoli, mate," said my new mate.
"But mate, isn't that in Turkey, mate?" I asked.
"It sure is, mate. But that ain't stoppin' us, mate!" He let out a hearty laugh, and his mate joined.
"Haha, mate," I joined.
"Mate."
"Mate mate mate."

This went on for a few hours.

Then he pointed me in the direction of Sydney, which actually happened to be a few feet away. I was actually lost in a small wilderness park! In fact, he said even a small child could find his way out. Awesome.

So I went back to Sydney, and went home. I was gone for so long, that when I came back, the country was a post-apocalyptic ruin. So now I'm typing this from an abandoned home with bootlegged internet service. God Bless America.

THE END.

this is a story all about how

I have to put my true Australia tale on hold for a second, because I have a mind-blowing tale to tell. This just happened the other night. I was out with a few friends, just talking and hanging out, when I realized it was getting pretty late. So I told my friends I had to leave, and I proceeded to go to my car. As I said, it was late, and it didn't help that half the lights in my friend's neighborhood were out, so I fumbled for my keys and tried to open my door. I was starting to freak out, since it was pitch black and I could swear I saw someone coming. After what seemed like an eternity, I found my keys and quickly started my engine. I shifted into gear and pushed the gas. Unfortunately, I shifted into the wrong gear and ended up smashing my rear bumper into a nearby light pole. I freaked out, and quickly ran out to inspect the damage. The pole was fine. But my bumper was another story. It was messed up, and there was no way it was going to just buff off. I didn't know what else to do, so I decided to just go home.
When I got near, I had two choices. I could either keep my car parked in the garage, and stash it until I had some explaining to do, or park it in the driveway, which was the quieter choice. I decided to go with choice A, which was risky, but if it worked, it would at least give me time to think up a story. As the garage door creaked open, I saw the lights in the house blink on. My dad had woken up! I now had to decide whether to continue driving into the garage and hope he comes out the front door, missing my car, or to stay outside and hope he enters the garage and miss the damage to the bumper. I couldn't think, so when he opened the door to garage, my foot acted on its own and pressed down on the gas. I ended up driving into the back of the garage, crashing through some bikes and bringing down a few shelves onto the roof of the car. I was in shock, and I looked at my dad, expecting the beating of a lifetime. The funny thing is, he didn't get mad.

Instead, he did the mash.

(he did the mash) He did the monster mash,
(the monster mash) It was a graveyard smash,
(he did the mash) It caught on in a flash,
(he did the mash) He did the monster mash,

(wa-oo) From my labratory in the castle East,
(wa-oo) To the master bedroom where the vampires feast,
(wa, wa-oo) To ghouls all came from their humble abodes,
(wa-oo) To get a jolt, from my electrobes.

(they did the mash) They did the monster mash,
(the monster mash) It was a graveyard smash,
(they did the mash) It caught on in a flash,
(they did the mash) They did the monster mash,

(wa-ooo) The zombies were having fun,
(anashoop wa-oo) The party had just begun,
(anashoop wa-oo) The guests included wolfman,
(anashoop wa-oo) Dracula and his son

(wa-ooo) The scene was rocking, oh we're digging the sounds,
(wa-oo) Eagor on chains backed by asbaying hounds,
(wa-oo) The coffin bangers were about to arrive,
(wa-oo) With their vocal group, the crypt kicker five

(they played the mash) They played the monster mash,
(the monster mash) It was a graveyard smash,
(they played the mash) It caught on in a flash,
(they played the mash) They played the monster mash

(wa-oo) Out from his coffin Drac's voice did ring,
(wa-oo) seems he was troubled by just one thing,
(wa, wa-oo) Open the lid, and shook his fist and said
(wa-oo) 'Whatever happened to my Transylvanian Twist?'

(its now the mash) Its now the monster mash,
(the monster mash) And its a graveyard smash,
(its now the mash) It's caught on in a flash,
(its now the mash) Its now the monster mash.

(wa-oo) Now everything's cool, Drac's a part of the band,
(wa-oo) And my monster mash is the hit of the land,
(wa, wa-oo) For you the living, this mash was meant too,
(wa-oo) When you get to my door, tell them Borris sent you.

(Then you can mash) Then you can monster mash,
(the monster mash) and do my graveyard smash,
(then you can mash) You'll catch on in a flash,
(then you can mash) Then you can monster mash.

Run, Run, Run!

My crazy and true Australian adventure that began here and continued here.

So I was stuck in a desert. My grand trip in Australia, and I was stuck in a desert. I wasn't even sure I was still in Australia, but I had no choice but to start walking and hope that I run into some form of civilization. Unfortunately, since I initially set out to spend the day at the beach, i dressed accordingly. This meant tackling the harsh desert wearing nothing but flip flops and swim trunks. If dehydration didn't kill me, the intense sunburn would at least make my life complete torture.

"OH GOD I'M GONNA DIE OUT HERE!" I yelled out to the expanse before me. It mockingly parroted my cry. What an ass.

I trudged along the sun parched land, the sun's heat waves bending my path ahead. All I could think of was how long I'd been walking, and how much I would give to have a gulp of water. I could see for miles all around me, which meant I was no closer to help than I was a few hours earlier. I wanted to collapse and take a breather, but the ground was baked, so laying down would only mean asking whatever scavenged in this hellhole to have me well done. I was close to giving up hope, when i saw a dark figure approach from a distance. I was shocked.

"Hey! HEEEEY!" I yelled as loud as I could, running as fast as possible to the approaching figure. "HELP! I'VE BEEN LOST FOR HOURS!"

The figure was silent as it came near, and all the while, it looked like it was moving up and down. I continued to yell, but it died down as soon as I realized who was approaching. A kangaroo!

"Are you kidding me?!" I yelled in frustration. "A kangaroo?" Well, at least I knew I was still in Australia.

"Not just any kangaroo, mate," the kangaroo said.

"You can talk," I said. I finally realized the lack of water had finally destroyed my sanity.

"Not just talk, mate. I can sing too!" And then the kangaroo broke into a rendition of "Rapper's Delight," which I could barely call singing, but who was I to argue with a hallucination? I stood there as he continued to rap, though I could tell he was trying way to hard to look "cool." I decided to end my hallucination by throwing a rock at it. I soon realized it wasn't a hallucination. But in retrospect, i couldn't think of a better way to have kangaroo in Australia. With renewed energy, I could take on the desert. But I still had no idea where to go next.

A letter to my hero, Will Smith

Dear Mr Smith,

Sorry for being so formal, but I've never written a fan letter to a celebrity before, and I know it sounds weird, but I'm actually kind of nervous! You're such a great actor and singer, and have been a real role model to me for a long time. I grew up watching you on TV and have since seen every single one of your movies, from Men in Black to Hancock. And it's because of you that I feel I have the power to do anything that I want with my life.

Not to bore you with a story or anything, but I used to get into trouble a lot. I was a serious problem child, and my mom didn't know what to do with me. My dad died when I was five, so I guess that means I didn't really have a solid male role model or anyone to whip me into shape. I bet he would have known what to do with me. Instead, I was running around school beating up kids, vandalizing street signs, shoplifting, the works. I thought I was on top of the world.

Then one day, when I was about thirteen, I was hanging out with my friends, just talking, hollering at girls that walked past, and (I'm ashamed to say) smoking weed. When a couple of guys, who were up to no good, started making trouble in my neighborhood; I got in one little fight and my mom got scared. She said, "You're moving with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air." I whistled for a cab and, when it came near, the license plate said "FRESH" and it had dice in the mirror. If anything I could say the discount was rare, but I thought, "Nah, forget it." Yo holmes, to Bel-Air!

I pulled up to the house about seven or eight, and I yelled to cabbie "Yo holmes, smell you later!" Looked at my kingdom, I was finally there, to sit on my throne as the Prince of Bel-Air.

And if it wasn't for you, I would probably still be in West Philadelphia, where I was born and raised.

Thank you so much.

Sincerely,

The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air

i wasn't planning on sleeping tonight

here are some scaaaaaary stories:

The clownsitter calls the parents who were out of the house eating dinner and asks:
'Is it okay if I can cover up the kids? I don't like children...'
'What kids?' the confused owner of the clown statue asks.
'The kids in your bathroom. The children!'
'Get the clown statue out of the house right now!'
'Why, what's wrong?'
'We don't have kids...'




A babysitter calls a wedding reception and asks a nine year old asian girl if she can cover up the clown because he is staring at her rearview mirror.

The girl at the wedding answers "There is no such thing as a clown."

The babysitter then looks in the mirror and she is a skeleton.. and a clown.




Timmy Turner was walking down a street. He noticed that one of the houses had a red door. He knocked on that red door but nobody answered.
A few months later it was his birthday and when he opened his present it wasn't a PS3 or a new bike.

It was a sex offender.

Beyond le mer

My crazy and also true Australia aventure, continued from here

So there I was, drifting along, not sure of what to do. I was worried I might not make it through this crazy adventure. In the distance, I could barely make out Sydney, but I was weakened from swimming for so long. I decided to float along and rest. My ears were below the surface as I floated, and suddenly I heard a voice!

"We're almost there! Just a little further!"
I started up, surprised. "Hello!" I cried out. "Can anyone see me?"
I looked around, frantically, trying to figure out where the voice was coming from, when I heard another.
"Just keep swimming and we'll get there. Sydney can't be that far away!"
Suddenly, a wave pushed me below the water. I panicked for a second, not fully aware which way was up. And that's when I saw it. Two fish were swimming by. Luckily, I knew exactly what they were. One was a Paracanthurus hepatus, while the other was a Amphiprion percula. Both were swimming quickly when I suddenly heard the A. percula talk.
"Just a little further and we'll be there!"
"A talking fish?" I thought to myself, because talking underwater is impossible. "I think they're going towards Sydney!"
I swam after them, just barely keeping up, when suddenly, this huge hulking figure appeared before us. A whale! Before I could do anything, it suddenly sucked up the P. hepatus and A. percula whole. I didn't know what to do, so I grabbed onto the fin as tightly as I could. The whale swam at incredible speed, too much for me to handle. After half an hour of grabbing on for dear life (because I can hold my breath for a really, really long time) my grip loosened and I was thrown off into the abyss. I blacked out for what seemed like hours, but when I came to, I found myself on a beach. It didn't look very familiar, so after resting a few hours, I decided to explore. It didn't take long for me to realize I was surrounded by desert.

like, does he have a car?

Australia was awesome! So now I'm going to tell you a story, a story about a beautiful place called Australia, and the amazing things that happened to me there.

As soon as I reached Australia, I of course decided to hit the beach. I was surprised, then, to see a young girl crying deeply, as the calm waves lapped across the shore. What else could I do but see what I can do?

"What's wrong?" I asked, pensively. I wasn't sure if I was intruding. The girl jolted up and looked at me, having not noticed me before. She seemed unsure of what to say, since I was a complete stranger. She opened her mouth, but all that came out was a sob.

"He's gone!" she wailed.
"Gone? Who?" I asked. I wasn't sure how far I could get before overstepping my bounds.
"Danny!" she cried. "It happened so fast..."
"Tell me more, err..."
"Sandy," she said, managing a smile. "Nice to meet you."
"Nice to meet you, Sandy. Now what's wrong?"
"Well, I met a boy, cute as can be. He ran by me, getting my suit damp. He started to show off, splashing around."
"That's so nice!" I said. "Does he have, like, a car? Was it love at first sight? Did you get very far?" The last question was a little much, and she shot me a look.
"We went strolling, drank lemonade, and we stayed out until ten o'clock!"
"Wow! That's pretty late, if you're a little kid," I said. She glared again.
"Anyway, I had to leave the States and come back here, so we traded out true love vow, and I haven't seen him since."
"What a nice, but sad, story," I said. "At least you'll have that fond memory, right?"
Sandy smiled. "But here's the upside! I'll be transferring to an American high school in the fall! Maybe I'll see him again!"
I snorted. "Uh, yeah, Sandy, sure. I'm sure you'll miraculously find him again, realize he's a jerk, but cause him to turn around because he really loves you, culminating in a death race which he of course wins. I'm sure that's all going to happen."
Suddenly, Sandy's face darkened. "Are you making fun of me? Because I hate it when people make fun of me." She got up, menacingly. I stepped back, a little scared. She let out a scream and rushed towards me. I ran as fast as I could, the only thing in front of me the vast ocean. I had no choice but to start swimming. Her screams faded away, and when I finally turned around, I realized the current brought me far from the shore. I was lost at sea!